Post Facebook

I know I keep harping on this,  but life is better without Facebook.  I've read more, taken better care of my home, prayed more, and I feel less stressed.

I'm smart enough to know I'll miss things.  I've already missed an important conversation about the wedding I'm in this weekend.  I'm missing out on pantsuit nation things.  I'm missing out on the weight loss accountability group that has helped keep me on track.

I'm ready to keep going on this mission to be my best self.

Current goals include:
Continued weight loss
More consistent exercise
Continuing the practice of yoga
Changing to cleaner less toxic products
Considering ways to help others more
Spending time and energy seeking the Word of God

2017 here I come!

Pursued

I'm thankful for a God who pursues me.  I had a huge disappointment earlier this year, and felt like it was time to take a break.  After almost 9 years of praying about what to do about bearing vs adopting children, I needed a break.  I made a commitment to be kinder to myself and to travel.

We went to Washington DC for Steves work.  Avery and I had a blast going around to museums.  She flew for the first time and loved it!  Probably my 2 favorite memories are things she said..

"Mommy!  I want all of these! " in the gemstone room at museum of science and history 

"Awwwwwww" when told that there were no more Washington monument tickets.  The clerk slipped some in our bag and we got to go up the last car!!!!!!  

Steve and I then went to Vancouver for a work conference for me.  I went to class in the harbor daily, walking down a beautiful metropolitan mile.  Our hotel room was so tiny we could barely walk around the bed!  I learned a lot, and Steve toured the city and ate and drank, and took me to dinner nightly!  And brunch a couple times!  No uber in Vancouver, so we took the bus which was all electric and awesome!

After that, I traveled to Belize for a medical mission trip.  It was absolutely amazing!  God spoke to me through the simplicity of their lives and how they struggle with the same things we do.  I shared my job story with one young man who cautioned me against letting my guard down when things are good.

After I got back from Belize I started feeling very left out at church.  I felt like the people I associated with didn't care about me much, though they were always nice.  I don't have much in common with many of them, but I do try to get to know people.  It was hard to put myself out there and try harder to make friends, and I've failed miserably.  Coupled with the things some people said and posted on Facebook about the election I felt like I was having to be one person at church and another the rest of the time.  I enjoy seeing my family weekly, Avery has great teachers and Steve enjoys working in TV ministry.  But I feel so alone in a huge class and a huge group.  Even in our small group I feel left out.  I've done a lot of soul searching and praying, but I don't have peace.

I sat down with Steve and shared my heart.  It was hard to admit how I feel about our church of 14 years.  He encouraged me to try harder and be more social.

I'm trying.  It's hard.  I just keep taking myself back to God.  I've run from Him because of the hurt I feel.  I feel alone when I seek Him.  I feel like I don't have someone who could drop everything to help me from my church.  It seems like they are too busy for me.  

All this to say, I've had a huge shift in my mindset about who God is, how lucky we are, and what true community is. I'm praying to stay grateful and let Him pursue me and guide me to a better place mentally where I feel close to Him and also have a Christian support system.  I'm grateful that He is my constant companion who pursues me minute by minute, day by day.  

It's funny how life changes you.

I've been so driven all my life to be perfect, to achieve, to make everything better.  I did all that (except be perfect, not possible) and lost myself.  I realized I said frequently when asked to make choices "I don't care."  I fell into depression when my chosen profession didn't work out the way I wanted.  I went through 5 jobs in 5 years.  I kept looking for the next big thing to achieve, to conquer, to make better.

I had some good points through all the chaos.  We survived my husbands' unemployment without financial ruin.  We moved to our dream house in Little Rock.  I finally have found some balance with work life and motherhood.  I've found a job that fits.  I have an amazing daughter.

I've learned and often tell others that stuff will never make you happy.  People, experiences, and travel do.  When we moved to LR, we donated at least 1/3 if not 2/3 of our possessions.  I found it so freeing to have less to organize and clean.

When I sit back and ask myself, what would make you truly happy, it's often people and experiences that I long for.  This year after a heartbreak that I'll share later, I committed to travel and take risks.  I went to Vancouver, Washington DC, Belize, New Orleans, Houston, Fredricksburg TX, Waynesville NC, and will be going back to Houston soon.  It was awesome (and expensive!).

I realized when I wasn't working, being a good mom, dating my husband, or reading; I was scrolling.



Scrolling between patients.

Scrolling in the bathroom.

Scrolling as soon as I woke up.

Scrolling before I went to bed.

Scrolling while Avery watched "her shows".



Then I was complaining about gaining weight "I have no time to exercise"

Complaining about not getting my bible study done "I don't have time"

Complaining about not getting to see friends "I'm too busy"

Complaining about no time for hobbies "There's not enough hours in the day"

Complaining about being tired "I'm just exhausted."



It's time to reexamine myself, my priorities, what makes me happy, what gives me true joy, and how to achieve what I want to achieve from my one life.  It's time to stop scrolling.  To stop complaining.  To seek out authentic friendships.  To exercise.  To make plans.  To sew.  To run.  To learn from books.  To think for myself.  To have a kinder inner voice.  To stop comparing myself and my achievements  to others.

It's time to focus on God.  I've run from Him these last few months.  I've complained about my lack of true friendships, my need for a Christian friend, my feeling of being left out and having to hide my feelings at church and with church friends.  I've felt like I have to apologize for attending a Baptist church.

When I was in prayer this morning coming home from yoga, God said, "stop getting on Facebook."  I was angry at first.  I like scrolling.  I like feeling included.  I like feeling important.  I love seeing how all my distant friends are doing.

I can do all those things without Facebook.

These are my new goals:  to be kinder to myself, to try new things, to let go of things that don't make me happy, to spend time with people I care about, to meet new people with new ideas that challenge me, to create, to learn, to read award winning books and learn from them, to study art and history, to study a language, and to evaluate what really matters and how to be intentional with life.  One thing I know for sure, it's not scrolling.

God told me....

God told me clearly today in prayer that I need to lay down my idols before him.  

Sad to say, one of them is Facebook.  I'll be over on Instagram posting pics and limiting my Facebook to once a week checks starting Wednesday.  Please message me if you need my email or phone number.  

I've linked my Instagram to Facebook so if you don't have Instagram you can still see Avery.  I've set up Timehop so I won't miss memories too much.  

I would shut down/inactivate completely, but I know many people in my life only contact me through Facebook.  I'm hoping they will choose to email or text me and I can completely close down soon.  

I think I'll be much happier and have more productive time to sew, read, and be a good worker and wife.  I'm hoping to be more intentional in prayer and in the word more.  

I also plan to resurrect my blog at www.godsgirlinthisworld.blogspot.com.

Comparison is the thief of joy.  I'm struggling to be obedient, and to be a doer not just a hearer of the word of God.

Back to Basics

Hello!

I have no idea if anyone reads these blogs any more, but I've decided to move my blog back here and leave Go Daddy.  I know I lost a few posts, but not anything that would break my heart.  I'm hoping to just get back to basics with blogging, just writing how I feel, when I want to do so.

I'm excited to be working back at my first APRN job.  It's going well, and I'm loving 4 day work weeks.

I'm so excited to go on vacation soon to NC and to see our family.  I'm ready to be a bridesmaid for my BFF Fe in Houston in December.  Life is good!

If you are reading, pray for us as we try to have baby #2!  The process for Avery was so mentally and physically tough, I'm trying to approach this attempt with grace and humility, accepting God's will in all things.  Steve and I both feel led to this, but are not sure if it is by childbirth or adoption.

We appreciate your prayers!

Love,
Jen

Ponderings...

Hello!
I haven't written in months.  Here is a quick update!

Avery is 9 1/2 months old, and she is crawling and pulling up!  She loves to babble and is a joy to be around.  We are so blessed to have her!  She is wearing 12 month clothes, eating 3 meals of baby food a day, feeding herself puffs and crunchies, drinking from a sippy cup, and still enjoys her bottles.  She "swims" in the kiddie pool at grandma's almost every day.  Her favorite game is peep eye, and when she crawls away from you she always looks back to see if you are coming along with her!  She is the apple of my eye!  We are all sleeping well (1930-0600) and she is napping much better now that she is crawling.

I'm enjoying my work as an APN.  I like the patients but struggle with frustrations and feelings of inadequacy daily.  Its not at all what I thought it would be.  I feel like I help people but that the expectations are so high I can't meet them.  Ugh! 

Steve and I are doing well, we are very dedicated to our church and our baby girl.  We are busy and tired but we enjoy our time together after Avery is asleep.  We are having a date Friday night!!!  I'm so excited!

Love you all,
Jen

6 months and new job...

Hello Lovely Readers!
Avery is six months old!  It is crazy!  Here are some reasons she is AWESOME...
She is 17.1 lbs and 27 inches long!
She wears some 6-9 clothes and mostly 12 mo clothes.
Eating 2 meals of baby food and juice daily.
Sleeping through the night again!
Moved to a big girl car seat! 
Has a routine and loves it....bottle between 6-7, bottle at 10, nap, meal at 1230, nap sometime in afternoon, bottle at 3, meal at 6, bath, bottle at 730, sleeps all night!
Loves to stand and can sit up a little! 
Loves the exersaucer!
Growing like a weed....loves walks in the stroller, grandmas, momma, and all things girly.  She loves flowers and trees and watching the wind blow leaves around. 

Big news for me...I got my first APN job!  I officially start April 25, and I am going in tomorrow to observe.  I will in an office doing follow up care for patients with chronic pain who are having procedure based care.  I am so excited because it is great hours and great money, with no weekends or call!  We have made a plan to get out of debt and will make that our first priority.  To celebrate my dear friend Angela sent me flowers, and I went clothes and makeup shopping.  I need to look very professional and with my recent hair cut...(forgot to blog about that...basically made a snap decision and am just getting over it 4 weeks later.  I do like it now but hated it at first), now with makeup and clothes I feel the part of an APN!

Wish me luck!
Jen

Parent Dedication

Hello Lovely Readers!
Tonight was our parent dedication to Avery.  We are so blessed to have her in our lives!  I debuted my new short hair do and my family came to church!  It was great, Avery was so cute and didn't cry in the sanctuary!  She is normally not fun after 630 at night because she is sleepy.  I'm so proud she did great!  We had so much fun and they gave us a packet with a certificate and a letter for Avery for the day she accepts Christ.  They also gave us a book "The Power of Praying Parents".  I love our church!  Here are some pics for you!

With Pastor Jeff

Hearing our charge to care for our children and raise them in a Godly home.

Afterwards taking pics with my family...Avery was so tired!

She is an answered prayer and my miracle....it is such an honor to be the mother of such an amazing little girl. 
Love,
Jen

Wye Mountain

There is a little piece of heaven here in Arkansas...once a year a mountain is covered with daffodils with a cross in the center.  It is a premier picture taking spot....in a quaint community with a craft fair on the grounds of a church.  Mom and I took Miss Avery and had a great time taking pictures!  Here are a few for you to enjoy!

We had a great time and Avery was all smiles!  Happy Spring!
Love,
Jen

Long time no see!

Hello Lovely Readers!
Its been a while since I have posted.  I have been really busy being a mommy and finishing up grad school.  I graduated with my MNSc and last week passed my boards, so I am now an Acute Care Nurse Practioner-Board Certified!  The job search is ongoing, but I am so excited that I am DONE with school!

Avery is growing so fast!  I'll attempt some milestones and hopefully get back to a once a month post about all her stats.

3 months:
Clothing: 3-6 months
Eating 5-6 ounces every 3 hours
First snow! She hated it!

4 months:
Wearing 3-6 months (barely!)
15 lbs, 25 inches long
Eating 6 oz every 3-4 hours
Enjoying the church nursery and your second snow
First sleepover during the snow while Momma and Daddy were stuck at work during the snow.
Sleeping through the night!
Rolling over!

5 months:
Wearing 6-9 month and some 12 months
Eating 5 oz every 3-4 hours
Starting to wake up at night again....
Rolling back to side, but not quite back to front.
Loves exersaucers!
Likes to stand up with support
First bout of constipation....we had a rough week!
First foods, first rice cereal then green beans then squash today
Momma bought you a big girl car seat but Daddy won't let you ride in it yet.
Loves books, paper, ceiling fans, swings, exersaucer.
No longer going to sleep in the car...but rides well.
Want to sit up SO BAD....hate tummy time, you just roll over on your back!

This month we attended classes for her baby dedication and will do that on March 27th.

We are starting the cry it out method....but we will check on her and replace her pacifier if needed.  She has been waking up ever 3-6 hours at night and staying up for an hour.  We think she is teething but no buds, no fevers, and she has always drooled a lot...  We just won't pick her up or give her a bottle unless absolutely necessary.

Any ideas on where to buy a cute bishop smocked dress for Easter for a good price?  I have mini social, zulily, and totsy already. 

Other news in my life...my best friend Lindsey is engaged and I will be matron of honor on October 15, Avery's due date!  She lives in Chicago so we are deciding travel plans and if she will come with us.  My sister in law Laura is also engaged and getting married on August 6.  I'm still loving the ER, hoping to find a job in Emergency Medicine or Cardiology. 

I'll try my hardest not to be gone so long again!
Love you all,
Jen

2 months...how time flies!

Hello Lovely Readers!
I can't believe sweet Avery is 2 months old!  We celebrated by getting pictures with Santa.

How sweet is this!!!!

Today Avery had her two month check up!  She is 10 lbs 3.2 ounces!  She is now 22 1/2 inches long!

This breastfeeding mama is proud!

Speaking of, I'm getting concerned about going back to work.  I'm going to have to pump 5 times a day to make enough milk to leave her for 12 hours.  I have to work back to back 9-9 NYE and 7-7 NYD, and I'm not sure how I can do it.  Since Avery is so fussy and not sleeping well, my pediatrician suggested formula supplementation to help me get some sleep and be less stressed.  I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I am stressed all the time about feeding her.  If I go anywhere, it is so hard to time when to feed her and worry the whole time that she will wake up hungry and I'll be banished to a bedroom/my car/dressing room/bathroom to nurse her.  She nurses for at least 40 minutes, and if I stop sooner she screams her little head off.  :)  I feel like I should breast feed since I'm a nurse and know how good it is for her, and its free, and convenient when I am home with her.  Any advice?  I know people have strong opinions about this, and I welcome input, but know in the end I will pray and make the best decision for our family.

Please be praying, I sent in my paperwork for my APN temporary license and paid for my certification exam this week.  I am hoping to find a great job soon and transition to the job I've been training for over the past 3.5 years.  We don't have a graduation ceremony in the fall, so I won't walk until May, so not many people know I have graduated.  I have to admit it doesn't feel real since there is no ceremony.  I am praying that I find the right job, I have a few feelers out but I want the RIGHT job, not just the first job I am offered.  I want what is best for our sweet family!

I'm getting excited about Christmas, Steve has been sick so I decorated the house yesterday and mom came over and helped with getting the boxes of decorations in the house and holding Avery so I could put things out.  I always wait for Steve to help decorate the tree, so it is still bare since he has been feeling badly and not up to decorating with me.  I've never had a naked tree, so it kind of weirds me out.  I want to make sure to wait for him though, its tradition!  Pictures soon!

I really want to order monogrammed stockings for our family....pottery barn is my favorite but they are so expensive!  Any ideas about other places to get them?

Ho ho ho!  Remember the reason for the season!

Love,
Jen

Thanksgiving! And a celebration!

Hello lovely readers!

For thanksgiving this year we started the celebration early.  Wednesday night mom made an amazing meal and we all ate well!  Avery looked very cute (and very milkdrunk)!!

Thursday morning we got up early and started the long drive to North Carolina.  We stopped in Brinkley, West Memphis, Jackson, Nashville, Knoxville, and finally arrived in Waynesville.  Avery and I were exhausted, but she likes the car and slept most of the time.  She stayed up most of the night because she missed the road noise.  Our view from the hotel was fantastic!

That day Avery met Nanny.  Prepare the kleenex before watching!  She was dressed to the nines!

We had Thanksgiving lunch on Friday with Nanny and our NC family.  Steve went up to see his grandmothers grave while I took a much needed nap!

Saturday we drove halfway back and stayed the night in Jackson.  Avery didn't sleep AGAIN.  By this time I was pretty miserable!  Sunday we got up and drove home, had to stop in Memphis and then again at home, finally!  That night was terrible...Avery cried for 5 hours straight before we realized she missed the road noise from the car.  Steve and I were both at the end of our ropes...then she passed out.  It didn't last long...I was so exhausted. 

Yesterday mom came over and kept Avery so I could defend my portfolio.  I passed with a 94%!  I met and studied with a few friends and I am taking my test tonight after my last day of clinical!

Now I need to decide how to celebrate!  After it's all final, I can't wait to do something fun and maybe get something special to commemorate my graduation with my MNSc!  It will be final on December 10!

Any ideas?

Love,
Jen

I'm Thankful

Hello Lovely Readers!

We are doing great at home, except for sleep.  I'm almost done with clinical...only one more day after today!  One more test, and my defense.  This time next week, I will be finished!!!!!  I can't wait to have my MNSc! 

Right now I am praying for the right job to give me time with Avery.  I'm praying about finances, and passing my test to be credentialed as an APN. But this post is about what I'm thankful for...

I LOVE THIS PIC!

I think this is our first family picture...Steve is so proud!

That afternoon...Momma and Daddy are so proud!

Proud daddy!

I'm so thankful for my amazing husband Steve.  He has been nothing but amazing since Avery was born.  We get a bit frustrated at each other because of lack of sleep.  I'm so amazed that God gave me such a precious husband.  He cooks for me, helps clean the house, and does anything he can to care for Avery. 

Sleepy girl

First bath..she doesn't mind it!

Before our Sunday school harvest party...2 weeks old!

Smiley at 6 weeks!

Love this smiley pic!

Sleepy girl at 6 weeks and 6 days!

NICU bililights...

Newborn shoot with Aunt Leigh Anne!

I'm thankful for our sweet girl Avery Grace.  She is so precious, even when she's screaming her little head off.  I prayed so long and hard for her, I try to treasure every moment in case she is our only child.  Every day she does something else amazing.  Last week she smiled...this week she is pushing up from her tummy and holding her head up FOREVER!  She's growing up so fast!  I can't believe she is almost 8 weeks old!

My dad (Grampa) and Avery as Rachael (sis in law) looks on

My mom (Gramma) and Avery on Halloween

I'm thankful for my parents.  Mom is keeping Avery while I go to school and back to work.  She and Dad are so sweet with her.  I can go somewhere and be calm because she is with the best babysitter I could ask for.  My parents have always been my biggest support and encouragers.  My mom is the best listener and most supportive mom/best friend I could ask for.  When I need to rant and rave and talk for four hours about nothing, I can always call her.  I hope Avery and I are that close someday. 

GrandMary and Avery

Papa (my father in law) and Avery

I'm thankful for my inlaws.  Terry and Mary have always been so gracious and welcoming for the 8 years I have known them.  They are so fun to watch with Avery...they fight over her continually when we are all together!  I know they are faithful in prayer for us, and count on Mary as an amazing prayer warrior.  I'm thankful they raised such an amazing man too!

Geyer Springs First Baptist Church

I'm thankful for our church.  We met there, were married by staff from GS, and are continually challenged and supported by the messages.  We love hearing Gods word every week.  It is probably what I miss most with Avery.  We can get to Sunday school, but with breastfeeding I'm not sure how I'm going to work out going to service, Sunday school and Sunday lunch.  God understands!

Shuler Clan!

My brother Chris and his wife Rachael

I could go on individually about my brother and his wife and all of the Shuler clan, and all my friends.  I'm so thankful for all the people in our lives! 

Most of all I am thankful for Jesus and salvation.  I know that sounds all "churchy" but it is true.  Going through infertility last year, then being pregnant all year, I have prayed more now than at any time in my life.  I feel so much closer to God now than I have since college.  He has brought me so much comfort and peace through all of this.  I have such a testimony of faith for Him and His glory after this year!

Happy Thanksgiving!
Jen

NICU

We left the hospital Sunday October 3 and went home for the first night.  On Monday we had to come back to UAMS for a bilirubin check.  Steve and I got up, took our time getting ready and got Avery all decked out.  We planned on heading to lunch, then stopping by Steve's work to show her off.  That all changed after they drew her blood. 

The resident came out and said her bilirubin level was too high and she had to be admitted to the NICU.  I was in shock.  We just walked in and let them take over.  Avery got her first pacifier, stripped down, goggles on, and into the tanning lights she went.  It was awful not being able to hold her.  The next blow was the realization that we had to stay overnight.  Steve went home to get some supplies for me so I could stay with her and continue breastfeeding. 

The Lord was truly looking out for us.  One of my friends from the ER's mom was the charge nurse and came by to make sure I was ok.  She moved us to a larger room that had a bathroom since I was staying and dealing with all the postpartum mommy "stuff."  It was so nice of her to give us more privacy, a TV, a bathroom (with a shower!) and she just kept taking care of us.  She picked my nurses and came by every day to check on us.  I am so thankful for her kindness.  My mom was a huge help too.  She brought us food and sat with me while Steve was home sleeping.  His family came by one night and brought food and company too.  I was so upset the whole time we were there.  I still don't like to think about our time there.  When the lady from the march of dimes came in I just kept thinking...."I have a healthy term baby, why is she in the NICU...I shouldn't be upset, the baby next door was born too early and is fed through a tube and isn't even 5 lbs yet after almost 3 months..."  I didn't want visitors, I just wanted to hold Avery and to maybe get a few hours of sleep.  In between feeding her every three hours and pumping milk, I wasn't sleeping at all.  I got pretty sleep deprived and very upset.  We had a blow come when they said her bili was better but she had lost too much weight and wasn't peeing enough.  They were blaming it on my breastfeeding.  I felt like such a failure.  I told everyone....give her formula, give her my breastmilk and measure it...whatever it takes, just let me take her home!

They started pre and post feeding weights, and I had to keep her awake and eating, it was awful.  She would eat for an hour and then I would have to keep her awake to take a bottle. 

Overall, it was ok.  I hated it, I won't lie.  We did learn alot about breastfeeding, keeping her healthy, pumping, and started her on a schedule.  I guess that's why God put us there, and the sweet family we met while we were there. 

Love,
Jen

Newborn Pictures!

Steve's sister Leigh Anne is a very talented amateur photographer.  Here is what she came up with for Avery!