It's funny how life changes you.
I've been so driven all my life to be perfect, to achieve, to make everything better. I did all that (except be perfect, not possible) and lost myself. I realized I said frequently when asked to make choices "I don't care." I fell into depression when my chosen profession didn't work out the way I wanted. I went through 5 jobs in 5 years. I kept looking for the next big thing to achieve, to conquer, to make better.
I had some good points through all the chaos. We survived my husbands' unemployment without financial ruin. We moved to our dream house in Little Rock. I finally have found some balance with work life and motherhood. I've found a job that fits. I have an amazing daughter.
I've learned and often tell others that stuff will never make you happy. People, experiences, and travel do. When we moved to LR, we donated at least 1/3 if not 2/3 of our possessions. I found it so freeing to have less to organize and clean.
When I sit back and ask myself, what would make you truly happy, it's often people and experiences that I long for. This year after a heartbreak that I'll share later, I committed to travel and take risks. I went to Vancouver, Washington DC, Belize, New Orleans, Houston, Fredricksburg TX, Waynesville NC, and will be going back to Houston soon. It was awesome (and expensive!).
I realized when I wasn't working, being a good mom, dating my husband, or reading; I was scrolling.
Scrolling between patients.
Scrolling in the bathroom.
Scrolling as soon as I woke up.
Scrolling before I went to bed.
Scrolling while Avery watched "her shows".
Then I was complaining about gaining weight "I have no time to exercise"
Complaining about not getting my bible study done "I don't have time"
Complaining about not getting to see friends "I'm too busy"
Complaining about no time for hobbies "There's not enough hours in the day"
Complaining about being tired "I'm just exhausted."
It's time to reexamine myself, my priorities, what makes me happy, what gives me true joy, and how to achieve what I want to achieve from my one life. It's time to stop scrolling. To stop complaining. To seek out authentic friendships. To exercise. To make plans. To sew. To run. To learn from books. To think for myself. To have a kinder inner voice. To stop comparing myself and my achievements to others.
It's time to focus on God. I've run from Him these last few months. I've complained about my lack of true friendships, my need for a Christian friend, my feeling of being left out and having to hide my feelings at church and with church friends. I've felt like I have to apologize for attending a Baptist church.
When I was in prayer this morning coming home from yoga, God said, "stop getting on Facebook." I was angry at first. I like scrolling. I like feeling included. I like feeling important. I love seeing how all my distant friends are doing.
I can do all those things without Facebook.
These are my new goals: to be kinder to myself, to try new things, to let go of things that don't make me happy, to spend time with people I care about, to meet new people with new ideas that challenge me, to create, to learn, to read award winning books and learn from them, to study art and history, to study a language, and to evaluate what really matters and how to be intentional with life. One thing I know for sure, it's not scrolling.