Pursued

I'm thankful for a God who pursues me.  I had a huge disappointment earlier this year, and felt like it was time to take a break.  After almost 9 years of praying about what to do about bearing vs adopting children, I needed a break.  I made a commitment to be kinder to myself and to travel.

We went to Washington DC for Steves work.  Avery and I had a blast going around to museums.  She flew for the first time and loved it!  Probably my 2 favorite memories are things she said..

"Mommy!  I want all of these! " in the gemstone room at museum of science and history 

"Awwwwwww" when told that there were no more Washington monument tickets.  The clerk slipped some in our bag and we got to go up the last car!!!!!!  

Steve and I then went to Vancouver for a work conference for me.  I went to class in the harbor daily, walking down a beautiful metropolitan mile.  Our hotel room was so tiny we could barely walk around the bed!  I learned a lot, and Steve toured the city and ate and drank, and took me to dinner nightly!  And brunch a couple times!  No uber in Vancouver, so we took the bus which was all electric and awesome!

After that, I traveled to Belize for a medical mission trip.  It was absolutely amazing!  God spoke to me through the simplicity of their lives and how they struggle with the same things we do.  I shared my job story with one young man who cautioned me against letting my guard down when things are good.

After I got back from Belize I started feeling very left out at church.  I felt like the people I associated with didn't care about me much, though they were always nice.  I don't have much in common with many of them, but I do try to get to know people.  It was hard to put myself out there and try harder to make friends, and I've failed miserably.  Coupled with the things some people said and posted on Facebook about the election I felt like I was having to be one person at church and another the rest of the time.  I enjoy seeing my family weekly, Avery has great teachers and Steve enjoys working in TV ministry.  But I feel so alone in a huge class and a huge group.  Even in our small group I feel left out.  I've done a lot of soul searching and praying, but I don't have peace.

I sat down with Steve and shared my heart.  It was hard to admit how I feel about our church of 14 years.  He encouraged me to try harder and be more social.

I'm trying.  It's hard.  I just keep taking myself back to God.  I've run from Him because of the hurt I feel.  I feel alone when I seek Him.  I feel like I don't have someone who could drop everything to help me from my church.  It seems like they are too busy for me.  

All this to say, I've had a huge shift in my mindset about who God is, how lucky we are, and what true community is. I'm praying to stay grateful and let Him pursue me and guide me to a better place mentally where I feel close to Him and also have a Christian support system.  I'm grateful that He is my constant companion who pursues me minute by minute, day by day.