Post Facebook

I know I keep harping on this,  but life is better without Facebook.  I've read more, taken better care of my home, prayed more, and I feel less stressed.

I'm smart enough to know I'll miss things.  I've already missed an important conversation about the wedding I'm in this weekend.  I'm missing out on pantsuit nation things.  I'm missing out on the weight loss accountability group that has helped keep me on track.

I'm ready to keep going on this mission to be my best self.

Current goals include:
Continued weight loss
More consistent exercise
Continuing the practice of yoga
Changing to cleaner less toxic products
Considering ways to help others more
Spending time and energy seeking the Word of God

2017 here I come!

Pursued

I'm thankful for a God who pursues me.  I had a huge disappointment earlier this year, and felt like it was time to take a break.  After almost 9 years of praying about what to do about bearing vs adopting children, I needed a break.  I made a commitment to be kinder to myself and to travel.

We went to Washington DC for Steves work.  Avery and I had a blast going around to museums.  She flew for the first time and loved it!  Probably my 2 favorite memories are things she said..

"Mommy!  I want all of these! " in the gemstone room at museum of science and history 

"Awwwwwww" when told that there were no more Washington monument tickets.  The clerk slipped some in our bag and we got to go up the last car!!!!!!  

Steve and I then went to Vancouver for a work conference for me.  I went to class in the harbor daily, walking down a beautiful metropolitan mile.  Our hotel room was so tiny we could barely walk around the bed!  I learned a lot, and Steve toured the city and ate and drank, and took me to dinner nightly!  And brunch a couple times!  No uber in Vancouver, so we took the bus which was all electric and awesome!

After that, I traveled to Belize for a medical mission trip.  It was absolutely amazing!  God spoke to me through the simplicity of their lives and how they struggle with the same things we do.  I shared my job story with one young man who cautioned me against letting my guard down when things are good.

After I got back from Belize I started feeling very left out at church.  I felt like the people I associated with didn't care about me much, though they were always nice.  I don't have much in common with many of them, but I do try to get to know people.  It was hard to put myself out there and try harder to make friends, and I've failed miserably.  Coupled with the things some people said and posted on Facebook about the election I felt like I was having to be one person at church and another the rest of the time.  I enjoy seeing my family weekly, Avery has great teachers and Steve enjoys working in TV ministry.  But I feel so alone in a huge class and a huge group.  Even in our small group I feel left out.  I've done a lot of soul searching and praying, but I don't have peace.

I sat down with Steve and shared my heart.  It was hard to admit how I feel about our church of 14 years.  He encouraged me to try harder and be more social.

I'm trying.  It's hard.  I just keep taking myself back to God.  I've run from Him because of the hurt I feel.  I feel alone when I seek Him.  I feel like I don't have someone who could drop everything to help me from my church.  It seems like they are too busy for me.  

All this to say, I've had a huge shift in my mindset about who God is, how lucky we are, and what true community is. I'm praying to stay grateful and let Him pursue me and guide me to a better place mentally where I feel close to Him and also have a Christian support system.  I'm grateful that He is my constant companion who pursues me minute by minute, day by day.  

It's funny how life changes you.

I've been so driven all my life to be perfect, to achieve, to make everything better.  I did all that (except be perfect, not possible) and lost myself.  I realized I said frequently when asked to make choices "I don't care."  I fell into depression when my chosen profession didn't work out the way I wanted.  I went through 5 jobs in 5 years.  I kept looking for the next big thing to achieve, to conquer, to make better.

I had some good points through all the chaos.  We survived my husbands' unemployment without financial ruin.  We moved to our dream house in Little Rock.  I finally have found some balance with work life and motherhood.  I've found a job that fits.  I have an amazing daughter.

I've learned and often tell others that stuff will never make you happy.  People, experiences, and travel do.  When we moved to LR, we donated at least 1/3 if not 2/3 of our possessions.  I found it so freeing to have less to organize and clean.

When I sit back and ask myself, what would make you truly happy, it's often people and experiences that I long for.  This year after a heartbreak that I'll share later, I committed to travel and take risks.  I went to Vancouver, Washington DC, Belize, New Orleans, Houston, Fredricksburg TX, Waynesville NC, and will be going back to Houston soon.  It was awesome (and expensive!).

I realized when I wasn't working, being a good mom, dating my husband, or reading; I was scrolling.



Scrolling between patients.

Scrolling in the bathroom.

Scrolling as soon as I woke up.

Scrolling before I went to bed.

Scrolling while Avery watched "her shows".



Then I was complaining about gaining weight "I have no time to exercise"

Complaining about not getting my bible study done "I don't have time"

Complaining about not getting to see friends "I'm too busy"

Complaining about no time for hobbies "There's not enough hours in the day"

Complaining about being tired "I'm just exhausted."



It's time to reexamine myself, my priorities, what makes me happy, what gives me true joy, and how to achieve what I want to achieve from my one life.  It's time to stop scrolling.  To stop complaining.  To seek out authentic friendships.  To exercise.  To make plans.  To sew.  To run.  To learn from books.  To think for myself.  To have a kinder inner voice.  To stop comparing myself and my achievements  to others.

It's time to focus on God.  I've run from Him these last few months.  I've complained about my lack of true friendships, my need for a Christian friend, my feeling of being left out and having to hide my feelings at church and with church friends.  I've felt like I have to apologize for attending a Baptist church.

When I was in prayer this morning coming home from yoga, God said, "stop getting on Facebook."  I was angry at first.  I like scrolling.  I like feeling included.  I like feeling important.  I love seeing how all my distant friends are doing.

I can do all those things without Facebook.

These are my new goals:  to be kinder to myself, to try new things, to let go of things that don't make me happy, to spend time with people I care about, to meet new people with new ideas that challenge me, to create, to learn, to read award winning books and learn from them, to study art and history, to study a language, and to evaluate what really matters and how to be intentional with life.  One thing I know for sure, it's not scrolling.

God told me....

God told me clearly today in prayer that I need to lay down my idols before him.  

Sad to say, one of them is Facebook.  I'll be over on Instagram posting pics and limiting my Facebook to once a week checks starting Wednesday.  Please message me if you need my email or phone number.  

I've linked my Instagram to Facebook so if you don't have Instagram you can still see Avery.  I've set up Timehop so I won't miss memories too much.  

I would shut down/inactivate completely, but I know many people in my life only contact me through Facebook.  I'm hoping they will choose to email or text me and I can completely close down soon.  

I think I'll be much happier and have more productive time to sew, read, and be a good worker and wife.  I'm hoping to be more intentional in prayer and in the word more.  

I also plan to resurrect my blog at www.godsgirlinthisworld.blogspot.com.

Comparison is the thief of joy.  I'm struggling to be obedient, and to be a doer not just a hearer of the word of God.

Back to Basics

Hello!

I have no idea if anyone reads these blogs any more, but I've decided to move my blog back here and leave Go Daddy.  I know I lost a few posts, but not anything that would break my heart.  I'm hoping to just get back to basics with blogging, just writing how I feel, when I want to do so.

I'm excited to be working back at my first APRN job.  It's going well, and I'm loving 4 day work weeks.

I'm so excited to go on vacation soon to NC and to see our family.  I'm ready to be a bridesmaid for my BFF Fe in Houston in December.  Life is good!

If you are reading, pray for us as we try to have baby #2!  The process for Avery was so mentally and physically tough, I'm trying to approach this attempt with grace and humility, accepting God's will in all things.  Steve and I both feel led to this, but are not sure if it is by childbirth or adoption.

We appreciate your prayers!

Love,
Jen