Dear baby....
I'm almost certain I felt you move this morning. I even told your dad, and at lunch he asked....have you felt it move again? He's thinking of you almost as much as I am. How wonderful it is to not have been born but to have so much love already?
I can't wait to find out if you are a girl or boy. We have names for you either way and honestly don't "wish" for pink or blue...we just want to meet you in October and all of your body be perfectly formed. We are planning a big party in honor of you. On June 1, we will find out if you are an A______ or a H______. I still think you are a H______, but I have been wrong about so much in my life and wouldn't be surprised to be wrong again. We are going to make two cakes and let both your grandmas cut into them to see if you are pink or blue. They are already fighting over you!
I love to look in that special room in our house...the one that will be yours. Everytime I see something lime green it makes me think of your room. Right now we are trying to pick out furniture and will order it in June. I can't wait to see all the pieces come together as we get ready for you. Today, it has 4 stuffed animals, 4 books, some old papers, a desk and printer, and 2 dog crates in it. I can't wait to see it all come together for you and to put your name on the wall. I added a blessing ring to it today. I took a round necklace from Michael's craft store and hole punched all the sweet cards I have recieved celebrating you...the one from your Swaty grandparents, the one from your dad for my first mothers day, and the one from your Swaty grandparents for mothers day. They are on your closet door knob, to remind me of how loved you are, even now.
I can't believe how much you have changed my life already. Every decision has you in it, no matter how big or small. What to eat, what to wear, what to drink, what to buy. I think of you all the time. On Sunday, on mother's day, I thought about how the last few years I have mourned not being a mother and how my heart yearned every time someone asked me if I was a mother and I had to say...'not yet.' My heart was heavy those years. I don't remember, but I skipped church on a couple of them because it hurt too bad to go and see all the mothers. I skipped ASU homecoming last year because I didn't want to see all the babies too. Infertility is a sad thing that I hope you never experience, my miracle. It hurts down deep where you don't know you could hurt. It cuts you open and makes your spouse wonder why you hurt so bad. But you have cured my hurts, dear one. You have made my heart full without even greeting this world yet. A verse I read recently encouraged me greatly. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12 You are my tree of life, my baby. My hope is in the Lord almighty.
I was so scared I'd lose you those first few weeks. I worried about every little thing. I was scared to tell anyone about you. Me, with my huge mouth and inability to keep a secret, kept you secret for two whole weeks, even from my mom. My mom, my best friend, didn't even know about you because I was so scared I'd lose you. Now that you are growing so much and looked so healthy last week, I feel so much relief. I started shifting my worry into what would happen on the day you come into our world. I prayed so much about that day, and God said to my heart "I gave you this baby, and I will take care of the details." He is in control dear one, and He is so good to us.
In His word there are some special verses for you. I can't wait to let God guide me to your life verse, and to hear you say it out loud some years from now.
"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:27-28
"And the child grew and became strong; he was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon him." Luke 2:40
I can't wait to meet you. Don't get into a hurry, little one, you have some growing to do yet. The Lord will protect you and grow you. Psalm 139 says He knits you together in your mother's womb, and he knows everything about you already. I can't wait to get to know you too....what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what you like and don't like. I can't wait to kiss you all over and I promise I won't mind changing your diapers. I'll do everything I can to give you all the Lord wants you to have from me.
Your dad and I love you more than anything but the Lord and each other.
Love,
Mommy
